Will Our Kids Have a Voice?

Let's face it, we are a society that loves its technology.  We are literally and figuratively connected to our devices which such ardor that most people cannot survive a day without their phone at the ready, or <gasp> no internet connection.  We text.  We tweet. Mommy bloggers, like me, rely on the computer and high speed access, to share our daily musings, rants and raves with the world.  So why I am so concerned with the topic, when I am clearly among the vast majority, who have made technology a cornerstone of my existence?

Well, I am just not convinced that my relationship with technology sets the best example for my children. Many of us try to limit the amount of TV that our kids watch, and monitor their computer time carefully. We have rules in place about what video games they can play, and what websites they can visit. We are attempting to teach them that technology, just like everything else, in moderation, can be an informative and entertaining accessory in the wardrobe of our lives. But our kids will learn the most from what they observe through us. If I am perpetually checking my email on the iPhone or silently scrolling through Facebook at the breakfast table, my kids are learning from an early age that this silent, non-verbal form of communication is a constant companion in our lives.

On a recent family vacation, complete with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, I sat on the floor playing with the kiddos and happened to look up around the room.  From a child's perspective, I saw that I was surrounded by a room full of people completed entranced by a device in front of them.  Everyone tuned into laptops, kindles, cellphones - not a single word uttered amongst them.  I thought to myself, "I wonder if this is how they (the kids) always see us?".

My first clue to the potential effects of this is evidenced in Little Diva's choice of words when she wants me tell something to Sweet Hubby. Instead of saying, "can you call Daddy?", she asks, "can you send Daddy a message?" She sees that we are trending more toward using texts to keep in touch throughout the day, rather than speaking to one another on the phone.  This worries me.

A recent article in my hometown newspaper, The Berkshire Eagle, cites that "texting has superseded face-to-face interaction as the most common manner of daily communication between teenagers ages 12 to 17, according to a study of the Pew Internet and American Life Project published in April." Surely, this cannot be good for the social and intellectual development of our teens.  I would bet that the average teenage vocabulary has significantly decreased in recent years.  Texting does not give our kids the chance to use speech creatively and eloquently.  It does not teach them how to interpret body language and use non-verbal cues and inflection to express themselves.  It does not teach them how to use one of our most powerful and complex attributes, the human voice.

If our children learn to devalue communication, then do they, by default, begin to devalue personal relationships?  How does this affect their judgement when faced with the tough choices that they will have to make as teenagers and young adults?

I fear, that worse yet, children become desensitized to real human connections, and within this social isolation, trend toward potentially pathological behaviors.  Obviously this is worse case scenario, a sort of techno-armageddon if you will.  But, even on a smaller scale, I do wonder if some of the whackos that are crawling out of the woodwork these days, have suffered from a lack of social interaction caused by the omnipresence of non-personal communication.

So how do we as parents foster a healthy, yet restrained relationship with technology?  Unfortunately, I don't have an answer, only more questions for myself. And a challenge to myself to set a better example, so that my kids see that we all have a real voice.  That thoughts and feelings should first and foremost be expressed verbally, face-to-face.  I am thinking about my own "check your phone at the door" type policy, where the phone is used for necessity and not for entertainment, making sure that our children do not ever feel that some device is taking attention away from them. I am so curious to hear how other parents feel about this.

I have also included a link to the article I mentioned.  It is about a group of teens who are "bucking the trend" to be techno-dependent.  That, at least, is somewhat encouraging.  But also quite telling, if kids themselves are starting to see that there is a problem.  Read the entire article here: Berkshire Teens Bucking the Techno Trend.

Like Taking Candy From a Baby

I used to scratch my head at the saying, "Like taking candy from a baby." I wondered to myself, "who in the world would give candy to a baby?"  Then I had a second child.  Suddenly is it crystal clear to me why you might slip your baby a lollipop (of course the "safe" kind with the loopy handle) every once in a while.  Because it works!!

The tipping point was when the evil demon out to get me nice lady at the eye doctor gave Little Diva a lollipop, as usual, the visit before last. With both girls strapped into the car, off we went but The Baby is no dummy. She was well aware that Little Diva had something both delightful and off limits, and SHE WANTED IT.

Well, the next time we found ourselves at the eye doctor, I was faced with a dilemma. Do I try to convince Little Diva that she shouldn't have a lollipop because it would be too upsetting to The Baby, do I become a sucker, I mean, get a sucker for The Baby, or do we listen to her scream for the next half an hour in the car? Well, we had a lot of errands to do, I had a migraine coming on, and basically, I AM a sucker. So The Baby had her first lollipop. It was a glorious afternoon of relative peace and quiet there in the back seat, and in the shopping cart, as we finished off the day's duties.

It is one of many things about my parental approach, that seems to be a little softer this time around. In some ways, I think my more relaxed attitude has helped me deal with what I find to be a challenging balancing act of life with Little Diva and The Baby. It is also almost essential because Little Diva will negotiate each and every point, so I recognize the importance of choosing your battles.

Of course, I am not a big fan of Kids On Sugar, and Little Diva is already high-energy and addicted to sweets, so that bit of indulgent behavior on my part is rather infrequent, but with other things, I try to stay pretty easy. For example, I don't stress over having the perfectly coordinated outfit on either of my kids when we leave the house. Usually we are lucky if the socks match. I should point out, though, (to satisfy anyone who might have the Department of Social Services on speed dial out there) that safety is one area in which I refuse to compromise. I think you can be flexible in your style without sacrificing the well-being of your kids.

So are things different for you with your second (or third, fourth, etc) child? I would love to hear about how other mommies out there feel about it.

Yay for Daddyland!!

Okay, I get it.  Daddies are just way cooler.  Even on our worst days, when Sweet Hubby walks into the room, either of the whining, moping or otherwise just miserable kiddos, turns into a ray of sunshine.

Yesterday, I had an appointment in the city, so we made the trek downtown (which thankfully only took half an hour despite the "horrible weather conditions"), where Daddy was going to take a little break from work to spend an hour or so with the kiddos.  You would think I was taking them to freaking Disneyland!! Little Diva's usual on-going questioning about "What are we going to do today? What's our activity?" was replaced with "How much longer? Are we there yet? Where is Daddy?"

When we got there, Little Diva immediately ditched me and started to "help out Daddy at work". The Baby nearly jumped from my arms straight into his.  It was probably their favorite hour of the week.  They hung out in a Food Court and ate pizza!

When I came back to get them, Little Diva begged, protested and even tried to negotiate her way into staying with her daddy.  It was a long car ride home.

So what is it in the Daddy DNA, that makes them Superman in our kids' eyes? Of course, Sweet Hubby is totally awesome, but I think there is more to it.  It might be that, in our case, they spend a lot time with Mommy, so Daddy is more of a novelty.  It could also be that the Daddy persona is strong and comforting.  Daddies do cool things like playing the banjo and ice-skating.

Another thought is that kids are really listening when we Mommies say things like "I can't wait for Daddy to get home",  "We have to wait for Daddy for that",  "Hopefully Daddy can fix it" and so on. I guess we kind of perpetuate the idolization of Daddy in that way.

I am happy and lucky that my kids love their Daddy so much, and even if I have to be the bad cop once in a while, it is worth it to watch them all together.  Besides, at the end of the day, even if Daddy is home to read a story, and tuck them in, they always need Mommy for that very last goodnight kiss.

Gadgets, Widgets, Whozits, Whatzits?!

Over the years, I have had an on again, off again relationship with a very well-known and prominent entity.  His name is Technology.  You see, when I was young, <sputter, sputter, cough, cough>, Atari was about as cutting edge as could be.  In college, one of my roommates, freshman year, had a computer.  So we all took turns composing our papers in DOS and running to the computer lab, floppy disk in hand, to print them out.  By my senior year, the lab was becoming a bit of a scene.  The "World Wide Web" was still in its infancy and I was among the first of my friends to get into MUDs and whatever else, I can't even remember.

After college, I got my first AOL account and started using EMAIL!  I felt really cool.  But not long after that, I kind of lost touch with my techno-side.  I was having far too much fun being a footloose twenty something year old to veg out in front of the computer. And I did not need it for work, so I did not drive on the Information Superhighway and kind of missed that boat for a while. A year or two later, I taught computer skills to middle schoolers, so I did figure out Yahoo! and URLs. But that was the extent of it. Eventually, I started to use the Internet, email and worked on a computer more regularly. But I have always felt a step or two behind my savvy contemporaries.

So here I am, writing a blog, and I see that I have a lot to learn.  I look longingly at some of my favorite mommy blogs, and see graphics, and cool logos, all kinds of banners and buttons.  I realize that I really have no idea what I am doing.  But as a dedicated student of the Art of Blog now, I am learning that all those neat things you click on are called Widgets. Great name, I think.  Or are they Gadgets?  Whatever. I promise I will figure it out.

I added the Followers widget over there on your left, so that you can click the Follow icon, and become part of a (very few) elite who actually like to read what I write on a regular basis when you really have nothing better to do. Hopefully you will join me on this journey as I join the ranks of mommies out there who have apparently been paying attention during the Technological Revolution.

The Good, The Bad and The Age Difference

So Sweet Hubby and I have a kind of, whatever will be, will be approach towards pretty much everything, and it was no different when it came to the non-planning of how to space out the age difference between our kids. So with no particular strategy in place, we ended up with two girls, almost exactly 4 years apart.

I often wonder if a different age gap would somehow make life a little easier in any way.  Would it somehow equalize the very different, and often conflicting sets of needs of Little Diva and The Baby?  And then I remember my favorite adage, "the grass is always greener on the other side." Of all the proverbs,  I can relate to this one the most.

With that in mind, it's just best to concede that there are pros and cons to every situation.  Here are a few things I have noticed.

A four year old looks lovingly at a new baby and understands what it means to be a big sister.  On the flip side, she is also quite ticked off when she realizes that she waited nine months for a playmate that can't even hold her head up yet.

Your preschooler has many diversions that allow you time to tend to the needs of a baby.  Unfortunately, many of these diversions come with 1000+ tiny pieces that always find their way into shared living spaces and pose serious health and safety risks.

An older child can get dressed, zip her coat, put on her hat and mittens and if you are really lucky, tie her shoes.  However, a baby will hide said hat, mittens and shoes, and you will spend the better part of half an hour searching for them while the older child reminds you that it is "time to go NOW, MOM!"

Big kids will entertain your little ones with singing and dancing while you work on your blog try to get a few things done around the house. The bad news: your baby can sing the Best of Both Worlds before she can sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

Having a baby around teaches your older child patience and responsibility. But it can also give them leave to be a little bossy and a wanna-be disciplinarian. You have to nip this in the bud and make sure your big kid leaves the discipline to you.

A baby can start to know has she wants and needs before she can verbalize them (see my previous post about screaming), and this can frustrate an older child who just wants you to make the baby happy.  The older child may even mimic such behaviors to get what she wants or get attention.  Fortunately, a big kid will usually listen when you encourage them to redirect the baby into some other activity that does not involve shattering the eardrums.

Naps are pretty much on different schedules when your kids are 4 years apart. If your older child even naps at all, you can be sure it will not be when the baby is sleeping, therefore eliminating any and all chances for mommy to have some alone time to eat bon-bons shower. This can be good for some individual bonding time with one child at a time though, something that the older child will really crave.

Older kids often have some or many activities outside of the house. These activities almost always take place at the aforementioned baby nap times. This has proven to be a challenge for us, and usually results in a pretty grumpy baby being carted around to get the big sister to her activities on time. I am still looking for the upside to this one.

A few other awesome things:
When you big kids is starting to learn to read, baby style board books are a great way for them to learn sight words so they can entertain the baby at the same time.

Big kids are really proud of doing things like putting shoes on the baby, and helping them get their coat on and off. Getting little tasks like that off your plate gives you a few extra precious moments to find your car keys, or jot down a quick list for the store, because you will never remember what you went there for if you don't write it down.

A big kid is fiercely protective of their little sibling.  They will be quick to notice if the gate is not closed or the baby has found one of the Polly Pocket outfits and stuck it in her mouth.

A few things you just have to deal with:
The big kid will always try to pick up the baby and carry her around the house. It totally reminds me of Olivia when she brushes her teeth, moves the cat, gets dressed, moves the cat again, etc. 
Now that The Baby is a little heartier, and Little Diva is a little more coordinated, I don't intervene every time, but it is still nerve wracking.

The baby is always going to want to play with toys that are not age-appropriate because Leapster and magic markers are way more interesting than Little People and the Shape-O.

So as they continue to grow, I cannot wait to see their sisterhood blossom. Just like Little Diva, I cannot wait for the day that they can really play together.  I don't really know if that day will ever come.  By the time, The Baby is old enough for tea parties and dress up, Little Diva will probably want to hang out at the mall, but I am keeping my fingers crossed.